No matter how hurt/angry I have been, it is good to have hubby home! I keep trying to get past my hurt feelings yet they keep jumping up like a jack-in-the-box to stare me in the face. And then I realize that it isn't just this one episode....there have been several and this last one may be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back. Maybe I can't get over it as easily as I had hoped.......perhaps I need to see a shrink.
Then I begin to feel guilty for not being able to put this behind me. After all, this was a major event in his life too.....it happened to him this time, not me. I should feel more loving toward him and understanding. Don't get me wrong, I do love him. But something inside me feels different. I have tried to put it into words but am unable to do so. I can't give it a name and that bugs me almost as much as not being able to get past it. It almost feels as if we have lost that closeness, that "connectedness" if that is even a word, with each other. And maybe he doesn't feel it. Perhaps it is just me. And if so, what do I do next? Do I confront him with it and try and talk it out or seek professional help? A part of me wants to crumble in his arms and cry and tell him exactly how hurt I have been and another part wants to keep it inside. Not share it............at least until he's stronger and healthier and has had more of a chance to heal. But doing that just erodes more of my feelings.
Oh, if only I had the answers now! I will keep praying about them and try to be patient awaiting some kind of guidance from the Lord. It is not easy for me to wait this time but that is the only thing that I can do.