No matter how hurt/angry I have been, it is good to have hubby home! I keep trying to get past my hurt feelings yet they keep jumping up like a jack-in-the-box to stare me in the face. And then I realize that it isn't just this one episode....there have been several and this last one may be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back. Maybe I can't get over it as easily as I had hoped.......perhaps I need to see a shrink.

Then I begin to feel guilty for not being able to put this behind me. After all, this was a major event in his life too.....it happened to him this time, not me. I should feel more loving toward him and understanding. Don't get me wrong, I do love him. But something inside me feels different. I have tried to put it into words but am unable to do so. I can't give it a name and that bugs me almost as much as not being able to get past it. It almost feels as if we have lost that closeness, that "connectedness" if that is even a word, with each other. And maybe he doesn't feel it. Perhaps it is just me. And if so, what do I do next? Do I confront him with it and try and talk it out or seek professional help? A part of me wants to crumble in his arms and cry and tell him exactly how hurt I have been and another part wants to keep it inside. Not share it............at least until he's stronger and healthier and has had more of a chance to heal. But doing that just erodes more of my feelings.

Oh, if only I had the answers now! I will keep praying about them and try to be patient awaiting some kind of guidance from the Lord. It is not easy for me to wait this time but that is the only thing that I can do.

Safe at home at last!

It is Sunday morning and the rest of the house is still asleep.

The hubby made it home safely and arrived here about 7:45 last evening. He looks good and sounds good but mood wise he seemed a little agitated. Maybe it is due to the length of the trip from deer camp back home. I hope there is an improvement when he wakes up this morning.

It is very foggy here due to a considerable warm up. The temperature outside right now is 40 degrees. I hope it will clear up before I have to take the usual granddaughter on the 30 mile one-way-trip to return her to her house.

Will Bwana Return As Planned?

It is Saturday and the hubby is due home sometime. There is a question of whether or not he will be able to get here. Where he was, there have been blizzard warnings for the last few days. I'm hoping the roads are not too bad and he can get here.......even though I seem to still be upset with him over this whole ordeal!

Thanksgiving was wonderful, good food and great company. But my daughter and her family are always a lot of fun to be with. Everyone in her family had a cold except for her 13-year old daughter, so they were feeling a little tired and sniffly. None of my boys came.....one was supposedly hunting and one was having dinner with his in-laws and the other one was home in bed with a fever! His wife and son stopped for a while to visit but since the roads were pretty nasty they didn't stay too long. Fortunately none of us had too far to go. My other daughter lives in Kentucky with her two children and a third on the way and decided not to travel this year for the holidays.

On Friday, the oldest son came out to visit with his two sons, ages 2 and 8. The two year old is beginning to talk and repeats everything he hears. The grandchildren's name for me is "Mema". To hear this adorable 2-year old walk around my house calling my name sounds like music to me! The 8-year old and the usual granddaughter played outside, sledding and rolling in the snow while my son shoveled my driveway. The 2-year old stayed in and played with toys and talked my ear off. If only I could understand "baby babble".

Today the usual granddaughter and I will clean the house and spend time watching some movies we rented and just enjoy being with each other before she has to go home to her Mom tomorrow.

Life is good!

Cookies, sledding, hot chocolate, decorations and a warm fire!

That is how the usual granddaughter and I spent our day. It started with baking cookies to take to my daughter's for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. M&M cookies.....mmmmmm!

We quickly followed it with a round of sledding in the back yard. Well, she went sledding and I and the dog watched and threw some snowballs at her. When she was finally soaked all the way through her snowpants she was ready to call it quits and come in for some hot chocolate. Heaven forbid she should fall asleep while snuggled in under a warm fleece blanket so she just had to have me get the Christmas decorations out because the movement of her helping to unpack them would wake her and a nap would then be out of the question!

I must say that the house does look very festive with all the jolly snowmen sitting around smiling at us and the candles offer their own ambiance.

Our dinner is now over and that mess is cleared up and it is now time to get her in the tub so she will be all clean and shiny bright for the short jaunt to my daughter's house. I think I will then build us a fire......maybe we will even roast some marshmallows!

Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you and God Bless!

A Scary Event

It is Sunday, November 20, 2005. It is 2:59 AM. I am posting this and typing now because it may be the only chance I have for a while to do so.

I have just returned from two days in Marquette, MI. My hubby was deer hunting up near there. He was lucky enough to have shot a six point buck. He was UNLUCKY enough to make a trip to the emergency room of Marquette General Hospital on Friday late afternoon or early evening. I got the call at 8:27 P.M. Friday night. He had a heart attack and they were taking him to the Heart Catherazation Lab and if needed they would also do any procedure at that time to ensure his survival!

Our youngest son, the usual granddaughter and his mother and I headed for the U.P. By the time we notified everyone that we had to contact we were finally on our way at around 11 P.M. It is usually a 10 hour drive, but we made it in just over 7 1/2 hours. We hit very little traffic and the weather was most co-operative. Our arrival time ~ 6:30 A.M.

Upon arriving and finding him , with some difficulty , his Doctor came and talked to us and informed us that this was a "MAJOR" heart attack. And......because he waited so long to seek medical attention, he will have some permanent damage to his heart. It is too early to say for sure just how much, but they know there will be some. He will have an echocardiogram in the future and that should give them a good idea of how much damage there is.

He will be in there 5 days in all. He should be released on Wednesday. His wish is to return to deer camp......not to hunt.......just to sit and enjoy the camaradarie and relax. I must say that I am a bit hurt to think he would prefer that over coming home under the circumstances, but I am trying to be understanding. It is hard to do. After driving all night just to get there to be with him and being deprived of sleep for a couple of days I am having a hard time with this one, LORD! Also, on Saturday he asked us to leave and just go home and take care of business. He wanted his son to return to work because he knows they need the money, he was concerned for the usual granddaughter missing any school and homework, he was worried about his mother's health because of her diabetes, and of course he was afraid that I would become to stressed and have another heart attack myself. So I am trying to look at it from a new viewpoint......that being the one that if that is where he wants to be perhaps his recovery will be faster if he is happy there for a couple of days after his release. Maybe he feels the need to really commune with nature after the ordeal he has been through and I will just accept that and put it behind me and go on from there. After all, things could always be worse, I could be planning a funeral. I will count my blessings and move on!

Bwana ~ The Great White Hunter

The hubby called me this morning. The connection from his cell phone wasn't very good but it was nice to hear his voice. I guess I miss him more than I thought......but that is a good thing!

He called to ask me to contact his brother before he leaves to go to deer camp. Seems they need a few things that they hadn't thought about before they left.

He also wanted to share the news that he shot a BUCK! I'm not fond of venison, but I had to be happy for him. The excitement and joy in his voice was something I am glad I had the opportunity to hear. It wasn't a big buck by any standards ~ six points isn't huge ~ but still after many years of hunting in the U.P. and coming home with only a "cold" this is a red letter trip!

He shot it with his hand gun at 75 yards through the hardwoods with one shot. Even though it was done in fun, we won't be making jokes about his hunting skills anymore!

I asked him if he was coming home now that he had his buck. His reply ~ "I still have another weeks vacation and I can help the other guys look for a buck with their name on it."

Oh well.........I should have known better anyway!

Deer Hunting and Snowy Cold Weather

Last year we had quite a bad snowstorm beginning the day before Thanksgiving. My oldest son came to my house with his two boys that day and promptly became snowed in with me. The same evening, with all the snow blowing and howling the furnace decided to go on strike. At first I thought that the pilot had just been blown out but I was unable to light it and finally gave in and called the repair people.

It took them several hours to arrive due to the weather conditions and a backlog of furnace problems that were called in before mine. When the repairman finally arrived I told him how sorry I was to have to make him come out when the weather was so awful, but we did need heat. He rudely told me that he was sorry to have to be out on a night like that too, and while he was speaking to me I could smell alcohol on his breath. I was quite shocked that someone who was on call for repairs would be drinking when the chance of having to go out and drive somewhere was a very strong possibility. I told him what the furnace was doing and he acted very disgusted with me. After checking the furnace, he lit the pilot and told me I should have tried that before I called for a repairman. I informed him that I had tried that, but it wouldn't stay lit and I thought since we had this problem a couple of years before it was possibly the same problem which was a bad thermo-coupler. He snorted while filling out his paperwork and left without waiting to see if the furnace would start up again after finishing the cycle.

Needless to say, the furnace didn't restart and the pilot was out again. I placed another call to the repair number and of course was told this time that it would not be possible to get a repairman any more that night and they would have one there the next day (Thanksgiving Day) by no later than 5 PM.

So my son went to my shed and brought in some electric heaters so we, nor the pipes, would freeze during the long, cold night. When morning arrived we had breakfast and my son took his little ones and left for my daughter's home for the traditional Thanksgiving dinner while I was forced to wait for the repairman. After he finally arrived around 3 PM and checking the furnace he announced that the thermal-coupler was bad! You can imagine how upset I was at that point and I tell him about the other repairman with the alcohol on his breath and he asked to see a copy of the work order that I signed. I showed it to him and he took some notes and then proceeded to fix my furnace. Mission accomplished and he was off to his family and I was off to mine.

Now press the FF key on the remote control and that brings us to today. We have had some very windy weather lately and there have been numerous power outages from which we had been spared .......until today! I woke this morning around 8:30 and decided to lounge in bed basking in the warmth of the covers for a short time. When I decided to venture out, there was no need for lights since it was fairly light outside. I used the bathroom, flushed the toilet, washed my hands and came downstairs to make some coffee only to discover that the electricity was off. We live in a suburb/rural area and do not have city water or sewer. We have a well and a septic system and when the power is out one flush of the toilet uses what water is stored in the tank and it won't flush again.

I called the electric company to report the problem and they told me that the best estimate for restoring my power was 11 PM on Thursday. Very inconvenient but I can survive. The weather has taken a turn for the worse and the temperature has dropped into the low 30's and it is now snowing and sleeting. I have 2 fireplaces so at least I won't freeze and if need be I can always roast some hotdogs over the fire. But I would like a hot cup of coffee. Brilliant idea! I will get in the car and drive to the local gas station for a cup. But wait. I will have to release the cord that goes to the electric garage door opener first so I can manually lift the garage door. OH NO! There isn't any cord that I can see. Now I am a hostage in my own home!

My middle son stopped over and I tell him of my dilemma and he goes to check it out. He finds the cord and tells me that the reason I didn't see it was that someone had wrapped it around a beam and even if I had seen it, I never would have been able to reach it. He takes care of it for me so I am no longer a hostage! By this time, it is almost noon. After he leaves, I decide to finish putting my shoes and socks on for warmth and also to drive to the gas station for that cup of coffee when I notice a noise. Hooray! The noise is the furnace running......the power is back on and I can get on with my day.

The point of this story is that none of this stuff happens when the hubby is home. It waits until he is 12 hours away in Michigans' Upper Peninsula and I must deal with it on my own. I'm beginning to think there is a conspiracy going on!

Hey, my trees are naked!

We had another wind storm here yesterday. All of the trees around here are now naked. That is not exactly the way that I would normally describe them. However, I took care of my three year old nephew today and he informed me, with much surprise in his little voice, that my trees were naked! I had trouble not laughing out loud but I didn't dare since he was so serious about it!

While driving home from a neighboring town late this afternoon, I realized that most of the trees are now "naked". Far from the beauty of the brilliant fall colors of only a few short weeks ago. And yet, there was beauty in the bare branches with the lavender and pink from the sky bathing them in a soft light.

In all the past years, I had never noticed how beautiful the trees are with their unadorned branches majestically reaching for the sky. Without their "clothes" on, one can see the many curves and intricate arches they make in their upward spiral of reaching toward Heaven.

I must remember to thank my nephew for pointing out the "naked trees" to me and tell him when he is older that he taught me to appreciate the beauty in them..........through the eyes of a child!

Everyone is needed and plays a KEY role!

Just a little note to explain this post before you read it.

I have a friend whose children are now grown and the last one has just recently left "the nest." She is feeling very unneeded and unimportant lately. Although the following was written more for the workplace, it can be applied to life in general. May this help you, my friend!

Xvxn though my typxwritxr is an old modxl, it works wxll xxcxpt for onx of thx kxys. I'vx wishxd many timxs that it workxd pxrfxctly. Trux, thxrx arx 42 kxys that function, but onx kxy not working makxs thx diffxrxncx.

Somxtimxs, it sxxms to mx that our organization is somxwhat likx my typxwritxr - not all thx pxoplx arx working propxrly. You might say, "Wxll, I'm only onx pxrson. It won't makx much diffxrxncx." But you sxx, an organization, to bx xfficixnt, nxxds thx activx participation of xvxry pxrson. Thx nxxt timx you think your xfforts arxn't nxxdxd, rxmxmbxr my typxwritxr, and say to yoursxlf, "I am a kxy pxrson and thxy nxxd mx vxry much!"

I found this in some of the things that were my mothers. I don't know who originally wrote this piece, but I hope it will help my friend put her life back in perspective.

SAY WHAT?

I'm back from my doctor appointment and all is well. My blood pressure was down to 146/85 which is an excellent reading.....I thought! The Dr. thought differently. "Hmmm"....he said. "I think you are a good candidate for this new machine I have." Who me? "It doesn't hurt a bit, your insurance will cover it, and it will help me better know what's going on inside your heart!" Oh-oh! Sounds invasive to me! "And furthermore, it will help me to better be able to prescribe medicine to control your blood pressure and keep your arteries and heart healthier. If we can do that, we can probably keep you from developing congestive heart failure in the future." Wait a minute ~ I didn't even know that was a possibility! But if it will work it sounds like a plan to me, especially since you now have me scared and my blood pressure is most likely rising due to that last statement!

"The Mayo Clinic is using a machine exactly like this as a diagnostic tool for cardiac patients ." Great! I wonder how much my insurance co-pay will go up to help pay for this contraption.

So, the nurse comes in with what looks like an EKG cart they use at the hospital. She proceeds to place four electrodes on me, one on each side of my neck just behind my ears, and one on each side just below where my bra rests. I'm thinking....wonderful, now I can itch like crazy for the next 48 hours due to my allergy to the adhesive. The nurse explains that this machine is much more accurate at measuring blood pressure than their cuffs and can also tell how much blood is actually flowing through your heart arteries and how much resistance is there. It also gives them your pulse, fluid level inside your heart, and of course it gives them an EKG.

After the test is complete I am asked to wait until it is read and the Dr. will then come back in and speak with me. What was supposed to be a 15 minute visit has now turned into an hour visit. The results are that I need to be on another medicine also, called a calcium channel blocker; my beta blocker needs to be reduced by 25mg since my blood pressure is 128/82; my hydrochlorothiazide needs to be reduced by 12.5mg but everything else is great. Oh yeah, and come back in one month to have the test run again (more money) with this machine so we can see if the changes are working.

So the trip to the Dr. which should have taken 45 minutes at the most ended up taking 2 hours and 10 minutes and should have cost me $20. now cost me $40.

And to top it off, when I came home the dog was acting funny so after a check of the house I found that she had vomited on my new carpeting. I cleaned that mess up and looked at the clock and figured out my day was pretty well used up and I didn't get any of the things done that I had planned on.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow!

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

Late last night, a very loud storm moved into our area. I love the lightning! The "dog" however, does not!

It started around 11 or so, but didn't get really loud until midnight. I guess I should start with the reason the dog hates storms. Three years ago on the Fourth of July a big storm blew in during the annual parade. The sirens were going and the wind picked up and it started to downpour. My son and his son and the usual granddaughter and I ran for the car.

After arriving home, the dog wanted to go out. It seemed that the storm had passed by that time, so I let her out the door on her cable in the back yard. She hadn't been out there more than a few minutes when I saw this very bright flash of light. I knew instinctively what it was and was headed for the door to let her in. I wasn't quick enough. The thunder followed so closely on the heels of the lightning that I was sure it had hit right next to the house. I was surprised to see that it had hit a tree in the next door yard. Needless to say, the dog was in a state of panic. She has hated storms ever since and who can blame her.

Now, whenever a storm comes, she finds me no matter where I am in the house. She wants to sit on my lap for comfort. Being a rather large dog of 50 pounds that is almost impossible. To accommodate her, I sit on the floor and she places her head in my lap and tries to bury her head any place she can. We remain like this until the storm has passed. Last night it took several hours. When it finally quit, she looked at me as if it were my fault it had stormed and promptly left me to lift my now stiff body off the floor and go and find a more comfortable place to lay her head.

And for this attitude I sit up all night with her? Yeah you bet.....and will do so as long as she needs me!

LET'S HAVE A FIRE......

.......are some of the first words out of the "usual" granddaughters mouth upon arriving at our house to spend the night! We are lucky enough to have two fireplaces in our new home and often enjoy the warmth and magic of "having a fire"!

Besides adding additional heat to the house to avoid having the boiler run so often, it is very relaxing to sit there and stare into the flames. The granddaughter likes to have hot chocolate while we drink our coffee or whatever.

She asked me what I saw in the fire and I responded with "flames". I in turn, asked what she saw in the fire and she said she saw different pictures that the flames make as they move and flicker about. I told her that I thought their movements sometimes resembled dancing and darting around the logs. She agreed. We all became silent, lost in our own thoughts, staring into the beautiful flames.

When next I looked at her, she had fallen fast asleep. I gazed over at Bumpa (the grandchildren's name for Grandpa) and noticed that he, too, was somewhere in the "Land of Nod", snoring softly, even though he claims he has never snored in his life. I left them both to sleep for a short time, enjoying the flames and warmth of the entire evening and a feeling of "I'm so happy to be here." If only I could carry this feeling around in my purse with me..........

Unwelcome surprise

Now that the leaves have all fallen off most of the trees around here, we have found a rather interesting item. It is some kind of paper wasp nest. It is quite large. Probably the size of a mis-shapen basketball! As soon as the weather turns considerably colder and we are sure that the occupants are "dormant" we will remove it.

Our dog has also noticed the nest. She was outside with me yesterday when a group of crows flew overhead making a bit of a racket. She tilted her head up to look at the crows when she spied the nest. She is a rather smart dog, but I'm sure that she didn't recognize it for what it is. She probably just noticed there was something that was different than the rest of the tree.

When she gets excited the hair along her back, from the tip of her tail up to the top of her head, stands straight up! It is about 3 inches wide and I think it looks funny. Some people are totally intimidated by her appearance when this happens, which is what "Prancer" has in mind, I'm sure.

So Prancer and I are standing in the yard and her hair is standing up and she is doing this funny little dance of prancing from one front foot to the other (hence the name Prancer), staring up at the nest in the tree and making this strange guttural growling sound. One of my neighbors happens to be walking by and keeps looking at the dog and finally looks up in the tree. She asks me if I know that there is a large nest of some sort in my tree and I answer "yes". She then proceeds to ask me what is wrong with my dog. I pointed to the nest and said that the dog had also spotted the nest and didn't know what to make of it and perhaps the dog thought that this nest was some kind of critter such as a squirrel and she wanted to play with it and chase it around. My neighbor then states that she doesn't think it resembles a squirrel at all. DUH!!!

Some days it just doesn't pay to have conversations with some people!

DEER SEASON

One week from tomorrow the hubby leaves for his annual deer hunting trip to Michigan's Upper Penninsula. He won't be home until the 27th. This is a tradition amongst the men in his family. At least, it used to be. But as the older members become too old to go or have passed away, the younger ones have finally wised up to the importance of spending the Thanksgiving Holiday with wives and children. Except for those between the ages of 30 - 60. They still seem to have "buck fever".

It would be one thing if they ever came back with a buck, but none of them seem to want to shoot them when they actually see them in the forest! In my opinion they should just take their cameras. At least they could take a snapshot and bring that home to show us all that they have at long last seen something even if they choose not to shoot it.

I find all of these preparations quite silly. Why do they purchase ammo and spend hours "sighting" their rifles and shotguns in when they don't shoot them. That isn't entirely correct. They do shoot their guns........at cans, bottles and signs on trees.

Hmmmm, I wonder how you cook those items?

JUSTIFIED?

My youngest son has three children with two different moms. The oldest is the "usual granddaughter" and the other two are a three year old little boy and a two year old little girl. All three are sweet and adorable in my eyes.

I have a good relationship with "usual granddaughter's" mom. The mom of the other two.....not so good. He is still with her, for whatever reasons.

Last Friday "she" called and asked me to watch the two. I said "okay" for two or three hours because I had other things to do later. She said that would be great and she would bring them over. I made it clear that I could not keep them overnight this time. I am always hesitant to take them because she often doesn't tell my son that they are supposed to pick them up at a certain time and then I end up keeping them overnight because I can never locate them. Now, mind you I'm not making excuses for my son. He is not perfect either.

Back to Friday. She dropped them off at 3PM and said that she would be back by 5, 6 at the latest! She had a friend with her, so I had a witness this time! And she left her cell number this time! At 7 PM, I started trying to reach her. She didn't answer her phone. At 7:30 I tried again and got the message that the number was unavailable. At 8 PM, I dug out some car seats and loaded the little ones in the car to drive to the apartment where they live. They weren't there. I proceeded to drive to her friends apartment and she also wasn't there.

I don't mean to complain, but by this time I am quite angry. My blood pressure was probably out of sight, since earlier in the week when I was at the Drs. it was 197/98. Yes, I am on meds for it. To give you some idea of where I am coming from; three years ago I had quadruple bypass surgery after fighting CAD for 10 years and having had 3 heart attacks. I don't t tell people this for sympathy. Just stating the facts.

As the children and I were leaving, the friend showed up and told me that mom and dad were in the parking lot outside. We ran out and were able to catch them. I asked what happened and why she wasn't there on time to pick them up and why she didn't answer her phone or call me and give me an explanation. Her answer? "My phone battery was dead". It's always something with her. I said rather snidely that is why I don't watch these two as often as they would like me too. My son apologized and said thank you. She said nothing. I got in my car and left.

Fast forward to Sunday night about 6:30 PM. My son calls and asks me if I can watch the kids Monday from 7:30 AM to 4:30 PM. He has to work and she is supposed to be attending some class. I can only think it is some kind of class for the welfare benefits she receives, but I don't know that for sure. Anyway, I tell him that I have other plans already and remind him of how upset I was by the fiasco Friday night. He thanks me anyway and hangs up to try and line up a different sitter.

Now it's Tuesday and he stopped over to say "hi". He is obviously upset. I ask what is wrong and he tells me that she is angry and making things miserable for him since I wouldn't watch the kids on Monday. He states that he totally understands where I am coming from and she is just being "nasty about it."

Well, he is gone now and here I sit feeling guilty! And I know that I shouldn't feel this way. She has brought this on herself by not picking them up in the past when she said she would. Should I just forget about the past and continue to be used or do I stand up and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" ?